the blog i never update

There are times when I think... I'm not a very nice person.

People on the interbutts always say "Oh no, but you are." But here's the thing: it's easy to be a nice person on the internet. Everyone always talks about how it's easy to be horrible on the internet, because the internet enables anonymity which then enables our petty natures, because they don't know who or where you are and there's no consequences for you, and how it's easy to be mean because you can dehumanize people-- because it's easy to forget that the text showing up on your monitor is actually another living person on the other side of the world, not a faceless entity, etc etc and so on and so forth. But nobody ever talks about how easy it is to be a nice person on the internet. Compared to real life... it's like a billion times easier. The amount of effort required is infinitesimal in comparison.

Often I think, there's a reason I have so few friends in real life, and it has nothing to do with how I look or the things I like.

I'm not a nice person. I think I used to be. I think that was my problem. I cared too much, about everyone and everything. A long time ago. At least, it feels like a long time ago.

I suppose... I'm not a bad person. I don't go out of my way to be horrible or anything like that. I'm just... selfish. Incredibly selfish. I want people to love me without making the effort to love them in return.



There's more I want to write here, but I've been writing and rewriting and deleting and staring at the screen for the last fifteen minutes, so... I dunno, I give up. I guess it's not going to get written today. The only way I can think to sum it up is that this is only the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts on the matter. Or something. Blah.

God, not even 24 hours have gone by yet and I'm already a miseryguts. This is what happens when annarti isn't around to distract me.

I think I may be in denial about having a depression relapse for about a month or more. It was so horrid the first time and it took me so long to get back to normal again (and I was so happy when I finally did it) that I've just been saying to myself continuously that it's just that particular day, and everything will be better tomorrow like it usually is when I just have a moodswing or something affected by crazy medication (which I am now off).

But we're nearly two months down the track and everything has continuously not been "better tomorrow", everything everyday feels like an effort and a chore, even just chatting to people I like. And then I get cranky at myself for being such a miserable person, and then I take it out on other people, and jesus fuck it's no wonder I don't have any friends. I keep pushing myself through the day to day stuff because I know that just giving up is not an option, and that not doing it would only serve to make things worse anyway, no matter how I might feel about it at the time. I am well versed in the horrible cycle of depression -> failing at doing things -> more depression! I've already fallen into that a little bit with my school work, but it HAS to stop now. I have to continue doing my normal routine because life still goes on even when you don't want it to. At least I am still at the level where I still have some logical reasoning left to override my emotions. But fuck if it isn't hard. My grades are really seriously slipping as a result, too, when they were so good at the beginning of term. I'm so afraid of failing this semester it isn't funny. But that's not an option either. We don't have extra credit over here, so somehow I have to find a way to do spectacularly well on my remaining assessments to pull my grades up again. Somehow. Somehow. I have to motivate myself to do it even if that seems like the most impossible thing in the world right now.

I have no idea if it's loathing uni this semester so much more than usual that's causing this persistant mood, or if I'm just hating it because I'm relapsing, or if it's some combination of both feeding into eachother. I just don't know. But I hate it and I'm fucking everything up.

If it's still here by the time we're well into the winter holidays and I've had some time to relax from uni, I'll go see someone about it. As it is, it's important to me personally to know whether it's being caused by an external or internal factor. I mean, it doesn't make a lot of difference in the long run since I refuse to take medication for it having had bad experiences in the past, and I've never been entirely comfortable with counselling... but since I prefer to work through these things on my own, the way I'll have to tackle it mentally will be different.

Ugh, fuck. Fun times ahead. I will get my zen back if it's the last thing I do, I swear to god. I'm really sick of hating everything 24/7.