the blog i never update

Please don't talk to me. I can't take it, I can't. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want anyone to see me. Stop talking to me. I just want to hole myself up under my bedclothes and never come out. What's loneliness? I feel more lonely surrounded by people than on my own. I never want to see another person ever again. Everybody please go away. There's nothing wrong, I just can't deal with people. Please just leave me alone.

I think I may be in denial about having a depression relapse for about a month or more. It was so horrid the first time and it took me so long to get back to normal again (and I was so happy when I finally did it) that I've just been saying to myself continuously that it's just that particular day, and everything will be better tomorrow like it usually is when I just have a moodswing or something affected by crazy medication (which I am now off).

But we're nearly two months down the track and everything has continuously not been "better tomorrow", everything everyday feels like an effort and a chore, even just chatting to people I like. And then I get cranky at myself for being such a miserable person, and then I take it out on other people, and jesus fuck it's no wonder I don't have any friends. I keep pushing myself through the day to day stuff because I know that just giving up is not an option, and that not doing it would only serve to make things worse anyway, no matter how I might feel about it at the time. I am well versed in the horrible cycle of depression -> failing at doing things -> more depression! I've already fallen into that a little bit with my school work, but it HAS to stop now. I have to continue doing my normal routine because life still goes on even when you don't want it to. At least I am still at the level where I still have some logical reasoning left to override my emotions. But fuck if it isn't hard. My grades are really seriously slipping as a result, too, when they were so good at the beginning of term. I'm so afraid of failing this semester it isn't funny. But that's not an option either. We don't have extra credit over here, so somehow I have to find a way to do spectacularly well on my remaining assessments to pull my grades up again. Somehow. Somehow. I have to motivate myself to do it even if that seems like the most impossible thing in the world right now.

I have no idea if it's loathing uni this semester so much more than usual that's causing this persistant mood, or if I'm just hating it because I'm relapsing, or if it's some combination of both feeding into eachother. I just don't know. But I hate it and I'm fucking everything up.

If it's still here by the time we're well into the winter holidays and I've had some time to relax from uni, I'll go see someone about it. As it is, it's important to me personally to know whether it's being caused by an external or internal factor. I mean, it doesn't make a lot of difference in the long run since I refuse to take medication for it having had bad experiences in the past, and I've never been entirely comfortable with counselling... but since I prefer to work through these things on my own, the way I'll have to tackle it mentally will be different.

Ugh, fuck. Fun times ahead. I will get my zen back if it's the last thing I do, I swear to god. I'm really sick of hating everything 24/7.

Uploading a whole bunch of Digimon icons onto my inksome account has made me realise how much I miss it. Everything associated with it, really.

* The days when I used to get up at 7 AM on a Sunday morning just to watch the newest episode.
* The days when I would get angry and rage at the television when I'd woken up at 7 AM on a Sunday morning to watch a the newest episode only to discover that they'd gone back to the beginning to repeat the whole series from the start. Again. (I never did figure out why...)
* The way I'd watch the repeats again until it caught up to where it was abruptly cut off last time just because I loved it that much, and so ended up watching the first half of the series at least five or six times.
* The way mitbix and I would shamelessly create mary sue after mary sue and write terrible fanfiction to go with it and not even care.
* The way the rest of fandom would shamelessly create mary sue after mary sue and not even care, in fact, the way we embraced each others' mary sues, and hell, just have fun with them!
* All the friends I made through and because of that fandom, all those years ago... only three of whom I'm still in contact with, unfortunately. (Hi there Jess, Tatsie, Orca.) I almost never make friends through fandom anymore. I kind of miss that.
* The amazing dub that never seemed to bother us, no matter how dorky the lines or the voice acting was.
* The way I actually managed to convince my entirely far-too-wild imagination that I was a digidestined (I was 12, okay, I was exactly the right age!) and was just waiting to be sucked into the digital world...

I really miss those carefree days. Life's a lot more boring as an adult. It's not the extra responsibility or the loss of innocence-- I don't really think I was ever really innocent, to be honest, I was a devil child-- or even the day-to-day dredge. It's the realisation of the barrier between fantasy and the real world. The realisation that you're never going to be a magical girl, or sucked into an alternate dimension, or abducted by aliens, or be a pokemon master, or be picked up by The Doctor, and your cats are never actually going to suddenly grow moons on their foreheads and start talking to you. You can still dream, of course. You can always still dream.

But you're firmly aware that that's all they are.