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I have blinkers on. Or: Things you probably shouldn't bring up in casual conversation with me.
This entry is probably going to offend someone, somewhere, so if you think it might, please don't read it? I'm not looking to stir shit up, I just want to get my thoughts out somewhere, and I'm not going to apologise for doing that on my journal that I have... specifically for dumping my more personal thoughts and not having to bother with filters.
Anyway.
I really can't relate when people tell me that they don't know what they want to do with their lives. In one sense I get kind of jealous of them, because if you don't know what you want to do, then hey, you can be anything. (Well, within reason.) There's a wide range of choices open to you. If you pick one and fail at it, no sweat, you can pick another.
In another sense I also become kind of bewildered when I hear that, because for as long as I knew the meaning of the phrase "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I always had an answer. Sure, that dream may have changed over the last two decades of my life (though admittedly only once), but I always had something very firmly in mind that I was dedicated towards working towards. (From the age of about 4 until 13, it was acting, and from then until now it's been drawing.) So people saying that they have no idea, well, that's just crazy talk, surely! You've had at least two decades to think about this, right? And even if peope change their minds, everyone has things they like doing that can be applied to a professional field, so why aren't they pursuing them? I don't even know. I mean, okay, maybe that's not entirely fair-- I know that sometimes there are extenuating circumstances as to why they aren't or can't, such as dropping out of education at some point for various reasons, but sometimes there just isn't any excuse at all.
And that's when there's another part of me that gets angry when people say that. I don't show it because I know that's a problem on my end, not theirs. Well, not really angry at them, but angry at how unfair it is. The thing is, I know exactly where I want to go, but it's probably going to be a struggle to get there all my life. Drawing, art, comics, conceptual design, and so on and so forth, everything under that umbrella is a really hyper-competitive field, and I'm very aware that I'm nowhere near even the top 50% of that group in terms of either skill or creativity. But this isn't a whinge about that, because I'm still working on improving those things, and have been for years, so I know I'm doing what I can there. But it's a slow process. I know I've made a lot of progress in the last few years, but it isn't enough. My illustration teacher gave me an HD for my final project and though I was happy for that, I know that the only reason he gave it was because he was marking it by student standards, rather than by pro standards. If that project had been marked by pro standards, I'm fairly certain it would have only gotten a C, if that, if we stretch it. So I'm still not there yet and I have a long way to go. Because you do have to be in that top 20% bracket to even have a chance.
And even if I make it? It's still going to be a struggle, because as everybody knows, artists of any kind (unless they're DEAD :Db) are just not paid that much. (And that is a big if, because there are several other things that stand in the way before that too, such as living in godforsaken Australia which is the dead-end of all dead-ends for the creative industry.) But you know what? At the end of the day, that's probably not even going to be the main problem, because the main problem is this, and the statistics all agree:
The reality of the situation is that it's entirely likely that I'll never make it in the first place. In everybody's opinon, including my own, I am pretty much setting myself up for failure and a hard fucking life :Db. They don't even have to say it, I can see it in their eyes when I say what I want to do with my life, even if they wish me luck or say (insincerely) that they believe in me. I'm used to it but it still cuts every time, to the point that I'm reluctant to answer that question anymore for fear of seeing that look, or worse, being met with derision or disbelief.
And all those problems are... realities I've come to accept, and... while they don't make me any less determined, it really just fucking sucks.
And the question is, really, why? Why do I have to accept that piece of horse shit, when I'm devoting my life to it and can't see myself doing anything else and just want to be able to draw for a living more than anything else in the world, when there are people out there who just wander along aimlessly and eventually just slot themselves in somewhere contentedly? It's not fucking fair, but hey, life's never fair, so maybe I should just get the fuck over it.
So... that is why I get angry.
I'm sure that people in that position have their fair share of problems too, but if the situation makes me angry, I find it difficult to sympathise with the problem. And that... is the end of why I can't relate!
Anyway.
I really can't relate when people tell me that they don't know what they want to do with their lives. In one sense I get kind of jealous of them, because if you don't know what you want to do, then hey, you can be anything. (Well, within reason.) There's a wide range of choices open to you. If you pick one and fail at it, no sweat, you can pick another.
In another sense I also become kind of bewildered when I hear that, because for as long as I knew the meaning of the phrase "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I always had an answer. Sure, that dream may have changed over the last two decades of my life (though admittedly only once), but I always had something very firmly in mind that I was dedicated towards working towards. (From the age of about 4 until 13, it was acting, and from then until now it's been drawing.) So people saying that they have no idea, well, that's just crazy talk, surely! You've had at least two decades to think about this, right? And even if peope change their minds, everyone has things they like doing that can be applied to a professional field, so why aren't they pursuing them? I don't even know. I mean, okay, maybe that's not entirely fair-- I know that sometimes there are extenuating circumstances as to why they aren't or can't, such as dropping out of education at some point for various reasons, but sometimes there just isn't any excuse at all.
And that's when there's another part of me that gets angry when people say that. I don't show it because I know that's a problem on my end, not theirs. Well, not really angry at them, but angry at how unfair it is. The thing is, I know exactly where I want to go, but it's probably going to be a struggle to get there all my life. Drawing, art, comics, conceptual design, and so on and so forth, everything under that umbrella is a really hyper-competitive field, and I'm very aware that I'm nowhere near even the top 50% of that group in terms of either skill or creativity. But this isn't a whinge about that, because I'm still working on improving those things, and have been for years, so I know I'm doing what I can there. But it's a slow process. I know I've made a lot of progress in the last few years, but it isn't enough. My illustration teacher gave me an HD for my final project and though I was happy for that, I know that the only reason he gave it was because he was marking it by student standards, rather than by pro standards. If that project had been marked by pro standards, I'm fairly certain it would have only gotten a C, if that, if we stretch it. So I'm still not there yet and I have a long way to go. Because you do have to be in that top 20% bracket to even have a chance.
And even if I make it? It's still going to be a struggle, because as everybody knows, artists of any kind (unless they're DEAD :Db) are just not paid that much. (And that is a big if, because there are several other things that stand in the way before that too, such as living in godforsaken Australia which is the dead-end of all dead-ends for the creative industry.) But you know what? At the end of the day, that's probably not even going to be the main problem, because the main problem is this, and the statistics all agree:
The reality of the situation is that it's entirely likely that I'll never make it in the first place. In everybody's opinon, including my own, I am pretty much setting myself up for failure and a hard fucking life :Db. They don't even have to say it, I can see it in their eyes when I say what I want to do with my life, even if they wish me luck or say (insincerely) that they believe in me. I'm used to it but it still cuts every time, to the point that I'm reluctant to answer that question anymore for fear of seeing that look, or worse, being met with derision or disbelief.
And all those problems are... realities I've come to accept, and... while they don't make me any less determined, it really just fucking sucks.
And the question is, really, why? Why do I have to accept that piece of horse shit, when I'm devoting my life to it and can't see myself doing anything else and just want to be able to draw for a living more than anything else in the world, when there are people out there who just wander along aimlessly and eventually just slot themselves in somewhere contentedly? It's not fucking fair, but hey, life's never fair, so maybe I should just get the fuck over it.
So... that is why I get angry.
I'm sure that people in that position have their fair share of problems too, but if the situation makes me angry, I find it difficult to sympathise with the problem. And that... is the end of why I can't relate!